Anxiety sucks right?
Some of you know I have been a sufferer of anxiety for quite some time! I always get asked 'why do you have anxiety' so I thought I'd do a little blog post of how it started for me, here it goes!
I hadn't always suffered with anxiety this bad, I have always been anxious but I used to quickly get over it easily enough.
When I was 18 years old, I had given birth to my daughter who is now 16!! I was diagnosed with postnatal depression soon after, I was a single mum and had so many fears of being a terrible mum. I was all alone and scared to be honest. But I got a job and I supported myself and my little girl. Things started to look up! Fast forward a few years, I had my son (I met my son's dad when my daughter was 1.5 years old) I was scared my depression would come back after my son's birth but it didn't. Anxiety crept up, i was scares that my son would choke. Me and his dad used to take it in turns every single night to watch him while he slept. Things got easier when he got a little older, we bought a sensor monitor alarm board for his cot. I was more drained and mega tired... he had really bad reflux!! Poor little love, that lasted for about a year.
Fast forward some more years, mine and my son's dad's relationship broke down and I was a working single mum.
Depression and anxiety had left me for now.
I then met my husband!! We found out we was pregnant and things were blooming marvellous!
I was towards the end of my pregnancy with our little lady, Freya. I went to the shop at the top of the road like usual. But something happened that day which changed me alot. How can something so silly change you? Well it did.
An older large gentleman was in the shop that day, he gestured for me to go past him so I did. But as I started to pass him he nudged me into the shelves where the bread was and dug his elbows into my back. At this point my bump was pressing into these shelves. Awful man. I was incredibly upset but kept it together until I got outside into my car and I was in floods of tears to my husband. This old gentleman broke me and I mean he broke me. I don't know why, but from that day on things changed.
I didn't want to go to that shop again in case he was there so I dodged it.
When Freya arrived it was quite a traumatic delivery to be honest. To say Freya was my third child, the Labour was extremely long. I knew something wasn't quite right but there was a shift change at the hospital and I got a better midwife who picked up on that freya was breech! Ideally I should have had a c-section as I had a hip operation when I was in my teens. But I managed a natural delivery.
All was ok until it was the first day of me taking my son to school freya was all ready in her pram but I got outside and freaked out! Panic set in. Mg heart felt like it was going to come out of my chest! It was awful. That carried on. It got to the point I didn't go anywhere. I was scared to out the bin out, scared of driving, the list is endless!
It's crazy how things can just spiral out of control isn't it. I felt embarrassed and stupid in all honesty but the feeling of panic and fear always won. I overthought everything, if create scenarios in my head of things that hadn't even happened, dramatic ones! Anxiety literally took over me. I wasn't me and it constantly made me feel uneasy and agitated.
However, almost 5 years on from having Freya I have came a long way!
I still haven't drove... I want to but that one I fear the most but I'll get there. I will do it!!!
However, I take freya to school when initially I was scared stiff and used to get myself in such a state when she first started at her nursery! Not anymore!!!
I can take the bin out without a second thought!
I have been to that shop once - Ill get there!
The thing with anxiety is that I have not dealt with it. I let it take over. It's a lonely place when you suffer with it, I was scared to talk about it because I felt ridiculous. Felt daft. It takes courage to speak about it and I'm proud that I can. Don't get me wrong, I still have a long way to go definitely. But the light is at the end of the tunnel. I still have bad days, sometimes I'm too scared to go and bring the bin in once it's been emptied but then other times I can.
If you suffer with anxiety or depression or even both, talk to someone. Don't feel daft! Because you're not daft! You're always welcome to talk to me, I'll definitely talk to you! You're not alone, far from. Even on the days you feel like you're alone, you're not. Reach out. Talk.
Until next time my lovelies,
Take care xx
Love Hannah xxx